Jul 09, 2009

by English Muse

Ryan McGinley, Kate Moss, W

There’s something I haven’t told you, not in awhile anyway. My father is still very sick. Everyday, it seems, brings a new setback. I know this is part of life, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re losing him any easier. I’m exhausted in a way that no amount of sleep can fix. This blog and the comments from the lovely people who read it keep me going…I just wanted you to know. Thank you.

Photo credit: Ryan McGinley, Kate Moss, W Magazine.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 9th, 2009 at 5:58 am. It is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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62 Responses to “Fog”

  1. Bambola says:

    That's awful.

    Nothing I could say would make it easier, or better. But I hope you are ok, and find the strength to make it through.

  2. Nanette says:

    Tina, I'm so very sorry! It must be one of the hardest journeys to take in life.
    All the very best to you and your Dad.xx

  3. kerri nĂ­ dochartaigh says:

    i am sending you huge love and hugs darling. i hope you and your family are as ok as you can be at the minute. you are in my thoughts. xxx

  4. SHOKOOFEH says:

    I am asking God for his health and for your power…

    the world is not perfect Tina, not perfect in our way. the world is not enough, not enough for big loves…

    I'm thinking of you and your very dear father, I am thinking that nothing is more beautiful than a beautiful love…

    love you and your beautiful soul.
    xo

  5. Anonymous says:

    Oh so sorry for your Dad, take his hand and give him peaceful strengh and silence. Your love will help him to go blissfully. Sunny side

  6. The Sice Family says:

    My heart dropped when I read this. I feel so sad for you. What to do? I will have to pray for you and him to have strength, because that's all I can think of. And tell us about him. Celebrate him. We all adore our Dads and will still read your blog! I know I am no one to you really, but my thoughts are with you, if that helps. Wendy xx

  7. nath says:

    i'm sorry Tina, that sounds hard. sending you love and strength.

  8. AliceTo says:

    All my thoughts are with you. I know how difficult it can be to see our parents weak and ill.

  9. Skye says:

    I know the words aren't really enough to fill the hole it's already starting to leave in you but you're going to get through it. xox

  10. Kiki says:

    These are difficult times for you and your family. I wish you all the strength there is.
    Be there for your father and for yourself, I have the feeling your father is very much loved, that is the most important thing.
    Je vous souhaite bon courage.

  11. TheBeautyFile says:

    My thought are with you & your family in this rough time. Your love & spirit shows through all that you create.

  12. laydeedancer says:

    Tina, I am so sorry to hear that your father isn't well. My heart aches for you.
    I just want you to know that I love this blog. It inspires me and makes me think and I look forward to it every day.
    Hugs to you –
    Jessica

  13. chicknamedhermia says:

    Oh God, Hen, I'm so sorry!
    Oh I can't imagine what you're going through …you're so brave!!! I'm sure you're being a great support to him!

  14. S. says:

    Mostly, I want to say "do not suppress" or you will become very ill & I do know that, even if I know little else.

    We first "met" when I commented on some post in the winter, right after you asked about foreign, esp. French blogs….about loss & or bad times. (Perhaps during LAT's fog…the world feeling like it was upside down, etc. You were upset about some long-time colleagues and/or a mentor leaving, I think.)

    I remember writing to you that the only thing I was fairly sure we had in common, other than a writing profession, maybe a certain sensibility, was great friends — at least one or two (the in-person/on-the-phone kind — no offense to any of the very caring folks leaving comments, here.) And that if you have that, then you have, if not everything, the safety of knowing that if you go "crazy" for a time, you will not fall so hard that you cannot be revived.

    The one thing I know, Tina, & it is still difficult on certain days to accept…is that I'm still here. Almost every day, I wonder, even if briefly, how can one be alive after events so horrific that one loses the facility with words with which one explained oneself, made a living (no small thing), that gave one a place in this world. Still working on that one, as this belabored writing will more than suggest.

    I did not believe a doctor who told me: you will survive. I protested that I wanted to thrive or nothing at all. And he said, "Yes, you see, that's why I know you will…& we'll work on that. I promise you." I said I need to get back to 'willow not oak.' He knew what I meant & I'm sure you do, as well. Both types of tree are outside my window as I type this to you.

    I'll unsign from blogger & just leave my initial. But if you want to know which one of the five trillion S's in the world…from DC with the devilish redheaded cat, Julie/Giulia. We send a big smooch on each cheek to you.

    Coraggio, bella.

  15. Lisa says:

    Keeping you in my thoughts…

  16. erin says:

    sending the warmest thoughts your way.

  17. Jane Flanagan says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's something I fear and dread in my own life and I know there's nothing that can be said to console. Just know that we are here and thinking of you.

  18. erinislame says:

    I'm so sorry. That doesn't sound suitable for the situation, but it is, unfortunately, all I can conjure up.
    Now I'm sitting here looking for a Latin phrase that will be full of wisdom, because most of them are.
    So far I have:
    Bona fide – in good faith
    Dum spiro sero – While I breathe, I hope.
    Pax vobiscum! – Peace be with you.

    That's about all I could find that seemed applicable.
    I hope that, despite all odds, your fathers health improves. Good luck.
    Here's to life, and all it may possess.

  19. Miranda says:

    You've brought so much grace and beauty into all our lives. I think everyone who has found inspiration and joy in your work here now sends you sincere wishes for strength and serenity.

  20. TERI REES WANG says:

    We hear you.
    We are real.
    We feel you.

  21. Sarah says:

    Oh Tina. I am so very sorry my dear. I know exactly what you're going through. It is so painful, I know. Please know I'm with you in spirit and sending you loads of love and hugs.
    xoxoxoxo,
    Sarah

  22. Janet says:

    so sorry….

  23. ks says:

    Tina:
    I so like what the last person said, "we are here, we are real"–we're all here because there is something in your writing and your sensibilities that touches a chord in each of us.

    Your dad is blessed to have you by his side.

    I've lost both of my parents, so unfortunately I have knowledge of the fog and state of exhaustion you're in.

    My only advice is to try to stay in the present, and lean on everyone who's offering a shoulder.

    Don't expect yourself to be "normal" or "strong", whatever either of those mean.

    It's a trauma, and you'll grow and gain empathy in ways you cannot now imagine.

    You and your dad are in all our hearts.

    Thanks for letting us know.
    xxoo

  24. Ashley Yazzie says:

    Lady,
    When my grandma May started to get sick, we all knew the impending outcome. As a family we decided early on to celebrate each moment we had with her. And so we did, each day became an added blessing and a stolen moment.

    Families are eternal. I know that even after this life, you with be with your father again.

    Sincerely,
    Ashley

  25. Brian Miller says:

    thanks for the update on your dad. painful i know. hearts are with you.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Many tight hugs and much love and prayer floated your way…

    I agree with many of the online friends you have here, please take the time to honor the love that you and your family have for your father, hold his hand, be strong, and let him know it's ok to leave this realm in love and peace. That is the best gift you can give any loved one.

    And also, take time to honor yourself.

    I recently went through a similar process with my father, and seriously, you'd be surprised how much support and love you can get from those around you. Let them know if you need the slightest thing… true friends always rise to support.

    And on that same tip, let US know if you need us!

  27. cassandra @ coco+kelley says:

    this breaks my heart to hear… my father is the most important presence in my life and i can't imagine what you're going through. sending you a little strength, hope, and love across the wire(less)… we're all here to support in any way we can!

  28. Tina Tarnoff says:

    Be strong, and be positive (even though it's hard), my lovely, things can always take a turn for the better! I'm thinking of you and your dad, and sending you good incredibly strong (!!!) health chants. Much love and much hugs. xoxo

  29. Mag says:

    Wow!! amazing!!

  30. Maggie May says:

    I"m so sorry sweetie.

  31. avant garde says:

    oh boy, i was hoping everything with him was on the mend. i do love the comment from terri rees wang, "we are real". just know that tons of very real people (even though we communicate through blogland) are concerned about you, your dad and your day to day getting by. if his health it deteriorating, suck him up, just literally suck up every minute, facial expression, conversation and you'll be tired for now, but have so much to store in your memory. just another real person saying hang in there girlfriend :)

  32. LouDuk says:

    Just try to keep in mind that you are in everyone's thoughts here. Were praying for you!

  33. Zephyr says:

    Keep pressing onward, darling. You're no doubt doing your very best and I trust that you are either helping him to survive and get better or making his last days the best they can be. You're so strong and so beautiful!!

  34. shoppingsmycardio says:

    oh dear. just because something's part of life doesn't keep it from being horrible while it's happening. keep doing your best to make happy, wonderful memories with your father, however you can. sending good thoughts your way!

  35. Simply Mel says:

    There are no words to heal this pain or sadness…all I can offer is a wish or two of ease and peace for the unavoidable sadness and loss. I'm sorry, life just doesn't seem fair when it tries to take those we cherish so much.

  36. whatever lola wants, lola gets says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours, Tina.

  37. Her name was Lola says:

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours, Tina.

  38. Kathleen says:

    Your picture captures the emotion of this moment perfectly. My father died in 1993 and this is exactly how I felt.

    So sorry that you and your family are walking this path (((hugs to you all))). Treasure each moment – they are precious and you will never regret the time you spend with him!

    Praying for you!
    Kathy

  39. the girL says:

    sending love across this vast city to wherever you are (and your dad)
    XOXO

  40. Ali says:

    We're thinking about your beautiful self. And your father.

  41. Annabelle says:

    Ohh big hugs… my heart goes out to you and your family. xo

  42. Jaci says:

    I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. We had a long illness with my mom, so I know a little of what you are going through, although everyone's circumstances are so different. My thought are with you.

  43. orange sugar home says:

    well your post is a wonder. so glad it can provide some joy for you. blessings to your family. strength and patience….

  44. Daydream Lily says:

    So sorry to hear this Tina, I can't imagine what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and your dad. Thank you for becoming a friend to me through blogging, I truly find your blog inspiring.
    x
    Liss

  45. Amelia says:

    I'm sorry for what you are going through. Thinking of you and holding you and your family up. Hang in there. **hugs**

  46. jezebel says:

    Very best thoughts and hopes for you and yours to find some peace in the midst of this storm.

  47. Pamela Terry and Edward says:

    I went through this experience with my father two years ago. It was more painful than I had dreamed it would be. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  48. Feli says:

    ((HUGS))

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  49. Conversation Pieces says:

    Oh I'm so so sorry to hear that. Truly am. Wish I could say something more helpful.

  50. CHAT ET ESSAI says:

    Sad to know that someone you like is sad… Take care of you…

  51. Josephine Tale Peddler says:

    I share your pain. My father is also battling a very agressive cancer. I started my Blog as a way to distract myself.
    My best wishes to you and your family.xx

  52. cgw @ accidentally, kle says:

    I'm so very sorry to read that. I can only wish you peace and comfort to deal with this difficult time. Enjoy him as much as you can x

  53. Mary says:

    Sorry to read your Dad is still ill. You are in my thoughts

  54. Joanna Goddard says:

    oh, i'm so, so sorry to hear that, tina. i'm thinking of you and sending you all good wishes. i hope he's comfortable, and he must love having you there.

  55. automatism says:

    I'm so sorry to hear this, Tina. Stay strong, focus on the love, and you will make it through. In the meantime, I'm sending loads of positive vibes your way …

    Lori
    xx

  56. jonas wunderman says:

    … I'm sorry to hear your news Tina, take care.

  57. eva ravenstein says:

    it sounds like he is lucky to have such a talented and caring daughter and he's probably very proud of you. it doesn't make it any easier, but i'm sending good thoughts your way!

  58. *Sandra* says:

    I will keep your dad in my thoughts and prayers. It was 13 years, last week, since my dad died, but I think of him often… but now with a smile instead of a tear.

  59. Rita Finn says:

    My father has been progressively sicker for a number of years as well. I also have difficulty talking about it. When I was little, I thought he was the strongest man in the world and could do anything. It hurts to admit that isn't true. My heart goes out to you as you struggle with this reality.

  60. Hayley says:

    i am so sorry ):
    just hang in there, and keep going strong (:

  61. virginia says:

    "i'm exhausted in a way that no amount of sleep can fix."

    i've been there, and that is the most accurate and truest sentence, ever. you end up living in the past, and the present, and the future…all at once, in the same breath.

  62. Kerri Lynne says:

    i can relate to the exhaustion that you're feeling. this is something terribly difficult to get through, and though it doesn't feel like it now, you will get through it. just hang in there.

    i know there is not much to say to make it any easier, but i will keep him in my thoughts & prayers.

fin.
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